


Save Myself In Spite Of You

by V_eliza



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anxiety, Anxious Evan "Buck" Buckley, Athena Grant Being a Mom, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Firehouse 118 Family (9-1-1), Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Maddie Buckley is a Good Sister, Mentioned Firehouse 118 Crew (9-1-1 TV), Post-Lawsuit (9-1-1 TV), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Athena Grant, Protective Maddie Buckley, References to Depression, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:54:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25364962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/V_eliza/pseuds/V_eliza
Summary: The 118 finally get a taste of their own medicine when the new Deputy Chief takes over the station. Will they be able to fix their mistakes before it is too late?'Waiting by the top of the stairs was the new Deputy Chief of the LAFD, Valentina Fletcher. She stood tall, arms crossed, a look of pure anger covering her face. Clearly, she was not impressed with what she had seen.;
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 79
Kudos: 525





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the prompt: Post lawsuit and Bobby is berating Buck in front of everyone and no one sticks up for Buck when this LAFD big wig is suddenly there and truly pissed at Bobby's actions. This officer takes over the station and gives Bobby and the others a taste of their own medicine, making them do chores, taping over Bobby's name, threatening Eddie with suspension. The officer treats Buck with respect. By the end Buck genuinely wants to work for this officer. Can the firefam stop him from going?

Once upon a time, being a firefighter was Evan Buckley’s entire life. It was the reason he got out of bed in the morning, the only thing that gave his life purpose and meaning. Now, Buck would rather be anywhere but firehouse 118. The place he once considered home had become his own personal prison. No longer was he permitted to venture beyond the firehouse doors inside a fire truck, instead he spent his days scrubbing floors and letting the firefighters he used to call his friends treat him like he was worthless. When things in Buck’s past had fallen apart, he’d never known why. His situation here was unique. Buck knew exactly where he had gone wrong and why his once vibrant life was now nothing but darkness. If only he hadn’t gone through with that stupid lawsuit. The problem with knowing where you went wrong is that you never stop punishing yourself. You can replay every moment over and over again in your head noting every choice you made that caused your world to fall to pieces. That is what Buck’s alone time consisted of now. He combed through every decision and every move he made in the lead up to the lawsuit, berating himself for every tiny thing he thought he did wrong. Evan’s self-esteem was at an all-time low and, without his family to guide and support him, it wouldn’t be improving any time soon.

Walking into work in the mornings felt like being escorted to a jail cell. Nothing about the firehouse sparked any sense of joy in Buck, just driving past it would fill him with pure and uncontrollable anxiety. But this was his sentence, his punishment. He screwed up; hurt the people he loved the most. He deserved this. That was the only thing that got him through the day. Reminding himself every few minutes that he deserved to be treated poorly was the only way to stop him from getting up, walking out and never coming back.

Buck hoped desperately that each day would be different. He never stopped hoping that one day his sentence would be complete, and he would be free to be a firefighter once again. You’d think after almost six months of being the man behind that he would’ve given up. But Evan Buckley does not quit, he fights, even if fighting means cleaning every visible surface in the building. He was determined to prove to Captain Nash that this job wasn’t a joke to him, that he took this seriously and would follow his Captain’s orders no matter how unfair they may be. _Bobby’s house, Bobby’s rules._ He should’ve remembered those words when he tried to discuss being on calls with his Captain.

The morning briefing had come to an end and the firefighters of the 118 had scattered. Some went off to sleep, others to work out and Hen, Chimney and Eddie took a seat at the table excitedly waiting for whatever new breakfast foods Bobby would be testing out this time. Usually at this point, Buck would be making his way to the supply closet, gathering everything he needed to make the house shine, but not today. Instead, Evan hung around near the kitchen, hoping to catch his Captain’s attention.

“What do you want Buckley?” Bobby’s tone was sharp and drenched in bitterness. Gone was the father figure who cared for and joked with Evan, in his place was the kind of boss nobody wants. The kind who held a grudge.

“I was wondering whether I could join you on calls today?” Evan glanced to the floor as he spoke, scared of the Captain’s reaction to his request. He could hear the murmuring behind him from his former teammates. They were making fun of him, mocking his desire to work with them again. If only they knew how much pain they were causing him, maybe then they would stop.

“Buckley, we have had this conversation before. The answer is no. I do not trust you and neither does anyone else in this house. Until we can trust you again, you will remain behind. Believe me when I say that the day you are allowed back on calls won’t be coming any time soon. My house, my rules. Remember?”

“But… Bobby I just thought that…”

“Thought what Buckley? You do not get a say in this. If you ask me about this one more time, I will have you written up for insubordination. Have I made myself clear?”

Tears gathered in the corners of Buck’s eyes, and it took every bit of strength he had to prevent them from falling. He took a deep breath, trying to fend off an incoming panic attack, and opened his mouth to respond. But someone beat him to it.

“I think you have made yourself very clear, Captain Nash.”

Waiting by the top of the stairs was the new Deputy Chief of the LAFD, Valentina Fletcher. She stood tall, arms crossed, a look of pure anger covering her face. Clearly, she was not impressed with what she had seen. Unfortunately, Buck assumed that anger was aimed towards him, _what other possible explanation was there? Maybe this was the day he finally got fired…_

“Deputy Chief Fletcher, I didn’t know you would be stopping by. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Bobby extended his hand in greeting but Fletcher did not return the gesture. A look of confusion settled in the Captain’s eyes. _Had he done something wrong?_

“Captain Nash, I will be temporarily taking over the 118. Which means this is my house and you must follow my rules. Do you know why I am here Captain? Let me explain this to you as simply as I can… A number of individuals have expressed concern for the behaviour of firefighters in this house, particularly the way you have been treating firefighter Buckley. I must say I am appalled at the way you just spoke to him. What you are doing is a clear abuse of your power. While I am here, I am in charge. If you so much as look at Buckley the wrong way I will have you written up for mistreatment of a firefighter under your command.” Deputy Chief Fletcher glanced around the room, her glare telling everyone she was not to be questioned on this. One individual caught her eye though. Firefighter Diaz was staring at Buckley with a look that could kill. Fletcher was not going to let this behaviour stand, not anymore.

“Oh no Diaz, don’t you go glaring at Buckley. You have all messed up at one point or another. Hell, if I had been here when certain incidents occurred, I can assure you that not a single one of you would still have a job here. Diaz you better count yourself lucky you can still call yourself a firefighter. It’s bad enough you have a habit of throwing public temper tantrums in grocery stores that we have to bend over backwards to keep from going viral, but you even got a free pass when you actually made someone leak goddamn brain fluid! You are an embarrassment to this department. Don’t worry thought you’re in good company. Wilson you do realise you are not a doctor. It’s all well and good that you saved that man’s life by cutting him open, but do you have any idea how many hoops we had to jump through to ensure we didn’t have another lawsuit on our hands. Speaking of Lawsuits, at least Buckley had proper grounds for his suit. Captain Nash here lied to Buckley’s face and made the department look like the bad guy. But you Wilson? You could’ve killed someone, and you get a white coat and the praise of your team. What logic is this? What planet are you all on?” The 118 hung their heads in shame but it wasn’t clear whether they were embarrassed by their behaviour or because they had been admonished publicly. What Fletcher hadn’t anticipated was for Buckley to look guilty, like he was to blame for the 118’s awful treatment of him. Fixing the 118 was going to be a lot harder than she first thought.

“Here is what is going to happen today. Captain Nash you will be cleaning this house top to bottom, you will not be joining us on calls. The same goes for you Diaz. You are not, under any circumstances, to talk to each other. Wilson and Han the only time you are permitted to speak with one another is out on a call, when at the house you two will be going through all the supplies, I want detailed reports of exactly what this house has and what it needs. I will be watching you all like a hawk, so do not try and test me. Consider this shift your last chance. Go, now!”

Buck had never seen the 118 move so quickly, they all scattered without hesitation, evidently taking the Deputy Chief’s threat seriously. This was not what Buck was expecting when he walked into work today.

“Buckley, why don’t you take a seat on one of those stools over there while I cook up some breakfast.” Not wanting to get on Fletcher’s bad side, Buck moved swiftly towards the kitchen, uncomfortable energy radiating off of him.

“So, Buckley, do I call you Buckley?”

“Oh, uhm, Buck is fine actually. Thank you.”

“Well Buck, you can call me Fletch. You know I’ve heard a lot about you.” At those words Buck immediately made himself smaller, there was no doubt in his mind that nothing she had heard would be good.

“Your scores at the academy were very impressive. And your recertification records are amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone to complete the course so quickly. You are clearly a damn good firefighter.” Fletch turned towards Buck, and what she saw broke her heart. The kid looked in complete shock, simply because someone was actually acknowledging his ability.

“You don’t believe me, do you? Look, I don’t know what exactly has been going on in this station but I promise you, I will not let it continue. Leaving you as man behind every shift is ridiculous. You are easily one of the best firefighters the LAFD has. You are not obligated to, but I was hoping you would share with me what has been going on in this house since you returned to work.” Something about Fletch made Buck feel comfortable and less alone. So, over the next half an hour, while his colleagues were doing the gruelling tasks he had been subjected to for months on end, Buck told the Deputy Chief everything. He spoke about how his team rarely visited him in hospital following the truck explosion, how none of them checked up on him after his embolism and how they pretty much forgot about him when the tsunami was over. He told her how it felt to see his name taped over, how it felt to be replaced. Before he could even begin to discuss the lawsuit, tears had begun to escape his eyes, rapidly falling down his cheeks.

“I was ready, you know? Every person who needed to sign off on my return to work agreed that I was ready. But bobby didn’t think so and he didn’t have the guts to tell me. He let me believe that the department was holding me back, but it was him the entire time. He saw me as a liability. And then during the lawsuit he had the nerve to say he doesn’t treat me differently to any other firefighter. When Chimney came back after the rebar incident, he went straight back to work like nothing happened. Bobby even said to me that Chim was so excited to be back that he would work back to back shifts if we asked him to. But you know what he said on my first day back? ‘I don’t want to over tax you.’ Like sitting around and being berated by children all shift wasn’t enough, he made me go home early. He didn’t want me around and he still doesn’t. He fired me once. I kind of deserved it. I messed up, big time. He told me that day that I had three chances, then fired me on my second warning. But Hen and Eddie can almost kill people and not even get a single warning. They used to all treat me like some dumbass kid who had no idea what he was doing but to be honest I would take that over the way they treat me now.”

Before Fletcher could respond to Buck’s earth-shattering confession, the alarm sounded, and the entire house jumped into action. Diaz and Nash stood by the doors, envy and anger displayed clearly on their faces. Fletch shot them both a warning glare as she jumped into the truck. She was not going to allow them to act like this.

The day continued on like that. Every time the bell rang, Buckley launched himself into the truck with the enthusiasm of a probie while Diaz and Nash watched on with jealousy. Fletcher decided simply leaving the two behind wasn’t punishment enough. She really was going to give the 118 a taste of their own medicine. At around noon, Captain Nash approached the Deputy Chief in the kitchen.

“Deputy Chief Fletcher?”

“Captain Nash. May I help you with something?”

“Well… I usually begin cooking lunch for the team around now.”

“Oh. I will be serving lunch today. But I seem to only have enough for myself and Buckley. You and the rest of the 118 may help yourself to whatever you can find in the fridge. There’s not much in there though. Oh, and don’t feel the need to sit up here with us while you eat.”

Several hours later, while the 118 was engrossed in their chores, Fletcher made her way towards the locker room with a roll of masking tape. She covered up every single name but Buckley’s. Smiling at her handiwork, she quickly returned to the office, writing up a full report on the behaviour of the 118.

Then, when the shift came to an end, she demanded the presence of every firefighter in the building. Gathering begrudgingly, the 118 stood around the loft, looking defeated after what they could only described as the worst shift of their lives. Yet it seemed the message hadn’t quite sunken in. Han and Wilson were whispering with each other, looking furiously at Buckley every few seconds. Diaz was stood by himself, glancing impatiently at his watch while Nash was moving utensils around the kitchen clearly unhappy with how the Deputy Chief had left things.

“Okay listen up 118. The behaviour of this house is incredibly disappointing. I expected better from all of you. Here is what is going to happen now… All of you will be written up for your treatment of Firefighter Buckley, it will go on your permanent records. Han, you will be attending a leadership workshop. Until you have completed the course to an acceptable standard you will be under suspension. As the head paramedic of this house your orders should be respected, you were not even able to get Wilson to not to cut a man open. Do better. Wilson, you are suspended. You will be attending mandatory retraining, maybe you will learn when it’s okay to cut a patient open in an ambulance. I will give a hint… the answer is never. Diaz you are also suspended and are required to attend a seminar about treating colleagues with respect, hopefully they will teach you to keep your personal life out of this station. Captain Nash, you too are suspended. You will be attending the same leadership workshop as Han. I will come back to this station once you are all back from suspension and hopefully you will have learnt to behave appropriately. If you do not complete the seminars and workshops you will be fired.”

Buckley went to open his mouth, ready to defend the people who had done nothing but tear him down, but Fletcher got in there first.

“Nope, Buckley. Do not even think about defending them right now, or I will suspend you too. Right, you are all dismissed.” The 118 dispersed instantly, heads hanging in shame. It seemed the message was finally getting through.

“Buckley may I have a quick word with you.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes. I have an offer for you…”


	2. Chapter 2

**The Wilson Household**

Hen wasn’t sure how to explain what had happened to her wife. Part of her felt ashamed for what they’d all done to Buck, seeing the hurt in his eyes as their sentences were handed down broke her heart. But at the same time, she was still mad. The lawsuit, though justified, had hurt all of them and that was something she couldn’t just forgive.

“Babe? Any reason you’re standing on the porch?” Karen smiled sweetly at Hen, startling her almost comically.

“Just a rough day at work…” Karen held out her hand, pulling her wife into the house and towards the couch. She disappeared towards the kitchen making Hen a cup of her favourite tea, giving Hen a chance to collect her thoughts.

“So…” Karen began as she sat down next to her, “what happened today?”

Hen swallowed down the guilt and shut her eyes not ready to see the look of disappointment on Karen’s face.

“The new Deputy Chief took over running the station today. Apparently, some complaints had been made about our behaviour towards Buck so she came to check it out for herself.”

“Woah, wait. What do you mean by your _‘behaviour towards Buck’_ , what’s been going on?”

“Things haven’t been the same since he sued us. It’s hard to work with him, to trust him. He hasn’t been on calls since he returned, and Bobby’s had him cleaning the house during shifts.”

Karen recoiled away from the paramedic. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. It didn’t sound like the way the woman she married would act.

“How could you do that to him? The poor kid has been through hell. He’s almost died so many times, you should be savouring every moment you get with him. Buck probably feels so alone right now… Do you remember what you told me when he quit after the embolism? You said _‘it’s like Bobby doesn’t understand that we are all Buck has. We are his everything, there is no one outside of this family waiting for him to come home.’_ How could you forget about that? He must’ve left after every shift dreading going back to an empty apartment, to no one.” Karen took a deep breath trying to control her anger and disbelief. She shut her eyes, wiping away the stray tears that had begun to fall.

“What did the Deputy Chief say about it all?”

“We’ve all been suspended, and I’ve been ordered to mandatory retraining. She decided that if Buck was punished for the lawsuit, we should all be punished for mistakes we made.”

“She’s punishing you for cutting a man open in a moving ambulance? Good... I love you and I think you will be an incredible doctor, but that was reckless and irresponsible. I’ve got to admit, I was shocked that you weren’t suspended when it happened.”

“Yeah, me too. I guess Bobby pulled some strings for me. God, retraining is going to suck. I guess I kinda had it coming though. Maybe if I’d just treated Buck better, if I hadn’t followed everyone else’s lead…”

“Look, honey, you’ve let Buck down, you all have. You need to do better; he deserves better. But I know that you will do everything you can to make things okay again.”

“I know. I just don’t know how to fix it. Where do I even start?”

“Mom?”

Denny slowly came into the living room, a questioning look covering his face. Hen stood, pulling her son into a strong embrace.

“How was your day? Did you have fun at the park with Nia?”

Denny hesitated for a while. Something was clearly on his mind. Had something happened while Hen was at work?

“Denny? Is everything okay? Hen asked, her motherly instincts kicking in.

“Did you make Buck sad?”

Hen and Karen looked to each other in shock at their son’s words. Evidently, he’d been eavesdropping... but how much had he heard?

“Denny… We’ve spoken about this. It’s not okay to listen in on other people’s conversations” Karen said, moving closer to Denny, running a comforting hand up and down his arm. How on earth was she supposed to explain all this to a child? She looked desperately towards her wife, but clearly Hen was not able to help given her trouble holding back her tears. Karen was going to have to explain this herself. Where to even begin?

* * *

**The Diaz Household**

The moment Eddie stepped through the door, Carla knew something was up. She had always prided herself on her ability to read other people, it’s what made her so good at her job. The only problem was that Eddie never seemed to want to talk about his feelings, choosing instead to bottle it all up and shove it down deep. It wasn’t healthy, but it wasn’t really her place to make judgement… was it?

“Hey Carla. Was everything okay today?”

“Yeah, Chris was an angel as always. Do you want me to stay and make dinner, you seem like you’ve had a rough day?” Eddie let out a large sigh, head hanging in defeat.

“If you wouldn’t mind, that would be great thanks. We both know what my son thinks of my cooking…”

Carla smiled at the mention of Eddie’s abilities in the kitchen, her mind replaying clips of multiple failed dinner attempts, some ironically involving fire.

“It’s not a problem sweetie. Chris is doing his homework, so why don’t you grab a drink and tell me about your day, I am all ears.” The firefighter nodded gratefully, making his way towards the fridge after greeting his son. Carla just hoped he would open up to her, the man needed someone to lean on.

“So… wanna tell me what happened today?”

“The Deputy Chief came into the station and suspended all of us. I’ve been ordered to some bullshit course about respecting your colleagues and the others have been sent to leadership workshops and even retraining and it is all because of Buck.”

“You’re gonna have to help me out here hun… How is the Deputy Chief suspending you Buck’s fault?”

“Someone, probably Buck, filed a complaint about how we were treating him. Chief Fletcher said we all needed a taste of our own medicine and made us take over all of Buck’s responsibilities. She even banned us from talking to each other, it was absolutely ridiculous.”

“Okay… I’m still confused. How had you all been treating Buck?”

Eddie went quiet. Carla knew she was not going to like where this was going.

“Eddie… what’s been going on?”

“He sued us Carla! Then he just came waltzing back into the station expecting all to be forgiven. Bobby made the right choice to keep him as man behind, none of us can trust him after what he did. And he still doesn’t seem to get it.”

Carla wasn’t sure if there was an easy way to get through to Eddie right now. Yes, Buck had made a mistake in filing the lawsuit, but he’s been doing everything he can to make amends. The 118 choosing not to forgive him and move on is the real mistake being made.

“Sweetie, what was it like today? Being made to stay at the station, and prevented from talking to anyone?”

“It was horrible, easily the worst shift I’ve ever had. It was like it wouldn’t end. It was the first time the station didn’t feel like a second home, like we were all a family. I hated every second of it.”

“Think about what you just said…”

“Okay… why?”

“And how long has Buck been back at the 118?”

“Uhm… couple of months, I guess.”

“So, for the past few months, every shift for Buck has felt like yours did today. Imagine how it must feel to go through that over and over again. I know Buckaroo, and that kid has a heart of gold. I highly doubt he was the one to complain, but if he has felt even half of what you did today, then he had every right to file a complaint. You all took his family away.”

“He pushed his family away.”

“No, Bobby forced him out, so Buck fought him to get you all back.”

“Maybe you are right about how he’s been feeling the past few months. It wasn’t fair to make him feel like that. We screwed up, but I don’t think I can forgive him for what he did.”

“Just consider all of this… okay? Remember honey, it’s easy to judge from the side-lines and claim you would’ve done things differently, but the truth is you never know what you would’ve done in his shoes.”

* * *

**The Han Household**

Albert had never seen his brother in such a bad mood. Ever since returning home from his shift, Chimney had been wondering around the apartment sulking and slamming cupboards and doors. It was driving Albert insane.

“Seriously! You need to stop. If slam one more cupboard I’m going to chop your hands off!” Albert threw a playful smile in his brother’s direction hoping to lighten the mood slightly without lessening his melodramatic threat. Chim flopped next to him on the couch, giving in to his defeat.

“I screwed up” the elder of the two said, shutting his eyes as he spoke. “We all messed up so bad and I don’t know if we can fix it.”

“What did you do?”

“We’ve spent the last few months treating Buck like he tried to kill us or something.”

“Why?”

“Come on? He sued us… remember!”

“Uh… didn’t he sue Bobby not you guys.”

“That’s not the point.”

“It kinda is the point.”

“You don’t get it Albert!”

“Fine, sorry. Maybe I don’t get it, so explain it to me.”

“When he sued Bobby, it affected everyone. We are a family. When you come after one of us, you come after all of us.”

“But by that logic, shouldn’t you be on Buck’s side?”

“What do you mean?” The look of confusion on Chimney’s face would’ve been funny in any other situation. But given how serious Chim was right now, Albert deemed it best to contain his laughter and move the conversation on.

“Well… Didn’t Bobby lie to Buck about why he wasn’t allowed back to work?”

“Yes, but…”

“And didn’t he go behind Buck’s back and prevent him from returning to work?”

“I guess…”

“Plus, wasn’t Buck cleared by everyone? Bobby had no valid reason to stop Buck’s return. Doesn’t all that make Bobby the bad guy?”

“Bobby was just doing was he thought was best.”

“Best for who thought?”

“God… I don’t even know anymore.”

Albert studied his brother carefully. The situation was clearly weighing heavily on the paramedic’s mind and what the younger of the two was about to say would probably make it worse.

“Does Maddie know?”

“Oh shit… She’s on shift right now… She’s gonna be so upset…”

“Yeah… let me know if she’s coming here cos I do not wanna be around when that conversation happens.” Chimney lightly slapped the back of his brother’s head, silently grateful for Albert’s ability to laugh in during the tensest moments. At least he had a few hours to figure everything out before he had to talk to Maddie. Maybe a drink would help… or ten.

* * *

**The Grant/Nash Household**

Athena had never been more grateful for her kids being at Michael’s for the night. The second Bobby walked through the door on the verge of tears she knew it was going to be a long and tense evening. She immediately pulled her husband in for hug, letting his walls fall down along with the tears. Whatever had happened today had shaken the Captain deeply. Whoever was responsible was gonna have to deal with Athena’s wrath… No one hurts her family.

Slowly the couple made their way to the couch, Bobby still clinging to his wife as they moved.

“Bobby… what happened? Did you have a rough call? Oh god… is someone hurt?” Her mind began to race with possibilities and worst-case scenarios. Thankfully Bobby was able to compose himself quickly, preventing her thoughts from spiralling too far.

“No… Everyone’s fine… physically.”

“Talk to me. What happened?”

“Deputy Chief Fletcher took over the station for the day. Apparently, she’s received complaints about the behaviour we’ve exhibited. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so humiliated. She stood in front of everyone and tore us all to shreds.”

“What? The 118 is always impeccably behaved on scenes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more efficient and professional team. What the hell does she think she’s talking about?”

“It wasn’t about how we act on a call…”

“Bobby… what did you do?”

“Things have been difficult since Buck returned. I told you, he just doesn’t seem to get it. So, I kept him at the station, stopped him from going on calls until he understands he can’t always just get what he wants.”

Athena stood up abruptly, making her way towards the front door without giving her confused husband a second glance.

“Wait,” Bobby yelled, “where are you going?”

“To go and make sure that boy knows he still has a family here, that he isn’t alone because clearly you haven’t been doing that. Buck has never done anything with the intention of hurting anyone, you know how much he loves you, how much he looks up to you. And this is how you treat him? Stay here. I’m gonna go take care of our son.”

The door slammed behind her, echoing around the house powerfully.

Bobby was alone.

_Was this how Buck had felt?_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long xx

Buck’s apartment had always felt empty. When he first moved in, there was no furniture and he couldn’t really move from his couch. It appeared that the negativity that surrounded the time he moved in had never left the apartment. Every corner held a bad memory that couldn’t be forgotten. He always thought that if he needed an escape from the loneliness his apartment radiated, he could go the firehouse. But that wasn’t an option anymore. The 118 was supposed to be he his safe haven, the place he could feel at home. But now he had nowhere to feel the peaceful tranquillity a home should offer. He thought about selling the apartment, moving somewhere new but he was scared the solitude would follow him. It felt inescapable.

Everything and everyone he loved had locked him out and thrown away the key. No matter what he did, he just couldn’t get back in. Nothing he did could open that lock. Maybe it was time to stop trying. The 118, his family, didn’t want him anymore. Why stick around and wait for people who walked away without hesitation. But every time he thought about turning his back on LA, something would stop him. Usually it was the thought of Maddie that made him stay. He loved his sister more than anything. He’d missed having her in his life and he wasn’t ready to give that up just yet, even if she didn’t need him anymore. The only other person keeping him around was Christopher. He hadn’t seen Chris for a long time and even though the chances of seeing him again where getting slimmer and slimmer, he couldn’t help but hold out hope.

Hope was a rare thing in Buck’s life these days, so he tried desperately to cling to every little bit he got. Fletcher had given him hope. Her offer was a shock to him, and if she believed in him then maybe it was time that he started to believe in himself.

Just as he picked up the pen to sign Fletcher’s contract, someone loudly knocked on the door. Whoever it was made damn sure they would be heard, meaning they clearly weren’t going away any time soon.

Buck sighed heavily before making his way to the door and begrudgingly flinging it open.

“Hey Buckaroo!”

“Athena… What are you doing here?”

“I was hoping we could talk.”

“Sure come in.”

If he was being honest, the last thing he wanted to do was talk, but he couldn’t say no to Athena. She was a mother to him, so shutting the door in her face definitely wasn’t an option. The police sergeant took a seat on the couch, smiling encouragingly at Buck. Her demeanour confused him greatly. She didn’t appear angry so maybe Bobby hadn’t told her what had happened with the Deputy Chief… Then again reading Athena Grant wasn’t something Evan was an expert it.

“Uhm… What can I do for you Athena?” Buck asked as he cautiously took a seat next to her.

“I’m here to apologise to you.” As she spoke, she grasped his hands gently in hers, desperate to reassure him like she would one of her kids. “

Bobby told me what happened today… The 118 aren’t the only ones who let you down. I knew Bobby was holding you back from working and I tried to get him to talk to you, but I failed. I put both of you on the spot by inviting you over for dinner and it wasn’t fair to either of you... The lawsuit was deserved, yet you dropped it. That should’ve been proof enough to everyone how serious you are about being a firefighter and how much you love your family. You could’ve been a millionaire, but you choose this life, and everyone threw it back in your face. You deserve so much better and I am sorry for not being there for you when you needed me most.”

Buck couldn’t form any words. A mix of relief and emotional pain began to suffocate him, blocking any words that tried to escape. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t keep the tears at bay and Athena could see that.

“It’s okay to cry Buckaroo. It doesn’t make you weak. Just let it all out, I’m here for you.”

The tears flew like bullets from eyes, dropping down his cheeks too fast to be wiped away. Athena lunged towards him, gathering him up in her arms. She whispered quietly in his ear, comforting him as best she could. Months and months of built up hurt was free. It was a beyond overwhelming feeling.

“I… I can’t… I can’t do this anymore Athena. I just wanted my family back. I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I promise you it wasn’t me who filed those complaints. Please believe me.”

“Shhh… Buck it’s okay. Take a deep breath. It’s all gonna be okay. I trust you. If you say it wasn’t you, then it wasn’t you.”

Buck straightened up, looking the police sergeant in the eyes.

“You trust me?” The vulnerability and pure disbelief in the firefighter’s eyes, shattered something within Athena. The poor boy had been broken down to the point of barely believing it when others aren’t working against him.

“Of course I trust you sweetheart. We haven’t always seen eye to eye, but I know you and I love you. You’re like my oldest kid Buckaroo.”

Evan laughed gently through his tears. He wiped his eyes as dry as he could before speaking again.

“Thanks mom.”

For Athena, her job was only half done. Now that they’d talked it was time that she did what a mother does best… taking care of her child.

They spent the evening eating popcorn and watching movies, talking only about the light-hearted things in life. Eventually, Evan fell asleep, head resting in his mother’s lap as she ran her fingers through his blonde hair. She’d only ever seen him with it styled and she had to admit the curls made him even cuter.

Just as she reached for her phone, something caught her eye. On the coffee table, buried underneath some empty crisp packets and beer bottles was an LAFD Contract.

She slowly and carefully, pulled the document free of the clutter and began to inspect it, all without disturbing the sleeping boy in her lap. Athena couldn’t believe what she was reading as she inspected the words the paper held. It left her torn. If this was what Buck wanted, if it was going to make him happy, then she would support him every step of the way. But that wouldn’t make him leaving any easier.

She wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her Buckaroo.


	4. Chapter 4

For the first time in months, Buck woke up feeling hopeful. Opening his eyes usually felt like a chore, but not this time. Despite falling asleep on a sofa too small for him, Evan felt truly well-rested. It seemed that his talk with Athena had lifted his spirits and allowed him a rare and peaceful sleep. As he sat up, rubbing his eyes and stretching dramatically, he glanced around the room noticing how clean his apartment now was. Clearly, Athena wasn’t too impressed by the state it was in when she arrived yesterday.

The police sergeant cleared her throat, making her presence known to the still sleep-dazed firefighter. She stood in his kitchen, tea already made, and food laid out. The boy needed a mother right now and she was pulling out all the stops.  
“Morning Buckaroo.”  
“Morning ‘thena.”   
Athena couldn’t help the smile that graced her lips as the big kid in front of her stumbled towards the kitchen table, rubbing his eyes and looking cuter than she thought possible. Once he’d sat down, she placed a full plate of food in front of him before grabbing herself a plate and sitting beside him.  
“You didn’t have to make breakfast. I could've done it.”  
“I know sweetheart. I wanted to take care of you.”  
“Thank you. Not just for breakfast and cleaning my apartment. Thank you for being here.”  
“There is nowhere I’d rather be right now. Now eat up. You’re looking too skinny.”  
They ate their breakfast in comfortable silence, neither feeling a need to fill the quiet with meaningless chatter. But as their meal came to an end, a strange tension began to loom over them. It was clear that Athena had something she needed to discuss with Buck but couldn’t quite figure out how to bring it up. Unfortunately, Buck had quickly picked up on the change in mood. He could tell she had something to get off her chest. He thought about asking her, encouraging her to say whatever it was that was on her mind, but he was too scared. Buck had been alone for so long, he couldn’t bear the thought of feeling like that again. _What if Athena made breakfast to butter him up? Maybe she was going to abandon him too..._  
“Buckaroo, there is something we need to talk about.”  
“You’re gonna leave me too aren’t you…”  
“What? No, Buck why on earth would you think that?”  
“Everyone leaves.”  
Athena could no longer form an understandable sentence. Those two words that left Buck’s mouth felt like bullets straight through her heart. He looked so defeated, in total despair. She couldn’t stand seeing him so down. Without think she grabbed him, pulling him towards her into a bone-crushing hug. Gently, she whispered reassurances in his ear, promising to never leave him.  
“Evan Buckley you are a part of my family, you are my son. I will never leave you... even if you leave LA.”  
Buck suddenly straightened up, looking at Athena in shock.  
“What do you mean? I… I’m not leaving LA.”  
“Buck, honey, I saw the contract on your coffee table. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about... I think you should take the offer.”  
“What? You do?”  
“This city has not been kind to you. It has put you through more than any one person should ever have to go through in an entire lifetime. Maybe walking away, even if it's just temporary, is the best way to move on.”  
“But what about the 118. I’m not sure if I’m ready to give up on them yet. I know I should but they're still family to me, even if they don’t see me the same anymore. Won't walking away just prove to them that I’m not serious about this job?”  
“I have never met someone as dedicated to their job as you are, if the 118 can't see that then that’s on them not you. Maybe all the years of walking through smoke have clouded their judgment. You are not the same kid that told me he thought his job allowed him to choose who lives and who dies. You are an incredible, strong, kind-hearted young man and you deserve to feel happy and loved. No one should have to work somewhere they are made to feel the way you have… Have you ever heard the saying ‘you don’t know what you had until its gone’? Maybe walking away is what it will take for the 118 to realize how much joy and light you brought to their lives. Just remember Buck, whatever you do I will be there to support you every step of the way and if this offer from Fletcher turns out to be not what you are looking for then you can always come home.”  
Buck nodded slowly, blinking away the tears.  
“Thank you, Athena.”  
“Anytime Buckaroo.”

* * *

Maddie had noticed her boyfriend’s strange behavior the second she walked into his apartment. Something was off. Howie couldn’t seem to look her in the eye, choosing to focus on literally anything but her gaze.   
“Howie? What’s going on?” Her voice shook slightly as she spoke, her nerves getting the best of her. Chimney turned away from where he was reorganizing his closet, yet still decided to keep his sight set on the floor.  
“I screwed up Maddie…” A chill shot through Maddie at those words, her mind racing through every worst possible scenario.  
“What did you do?”  
“I let Buck down.”  
“What? Did he get hurt at work or something? Is he okay? Where is he?” Howie jumped to his feet rushing over to his girlfriend before panic could rise to far. Clearly, he shouldn't have been so vague when he told her what was going on.  
“Maddie, Buck is fine. Physically at least…”  
“Okay. You need to stop stalling and tell me what the hell is going on!”  
“Right, sorry. Let’s go sit down and talk.”

Maddie couldn’t believe the words that spilled out of her boyfriend’s mouth over the next hour. Knowing how poorly her brother had been treated broke her heart and finding out that Howie had been a part of it made everything ten times worse.  
“How could you do that to him! All he ever wanted was his family back… I… I can't even look at you right now.”  
“Maddie, please, I am so sorry!”  
“I’m not the one that needs your apology. I don’t think I know who you are anymore.”  
The silence began to suffocate the couple, neither sure what to say next. Seconds ticked by and the sound of nothing but breathing continued. The two first responders barely moved, too scared to shatter the quietness that surrounded them.  
Maddie was using the time to create a plan in her head. No one hurts her little brother and gets away with it. She took a deep inhale, stood up, held her head high, and gave Howard a clear instruction.

“Call Hen, Eddie, and Bobby. Tell them to come here. There are a few things I want to say to them, to all of you.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I've made the decision to end this story here and leave the ending open to interpretation. I may come back to this and write a second part in the future but for now, this is the end. Thank you for reading and I'm sorry that I won't be carrying this on for a while xx

Maddie stood glaring down at Bobby, Eddie, Chimney, and Hen. The four firefighters sat on Chim’s couch, eyes looking anywhere but the furious woman standing in front of them. They all knew that Fletcher's lecture would probably seem like nothing once Maddie was done with them.  
“The only thing my brother has ever wanted was a family. When I first came to LA I was so happy to see that he’d found one. He was surrounded by people who cared about him, who loved him. At least that was how it seemed back then. Now though, I know that I was wrong. Real families are there for each other when you need them most, support you when you lose your way, and pick you back up when you fall down. You did the opposite. Evan was crushed by a fire truck, which was only blown up to get back at you Captain Nash. None of you were there for him when he was in the hospital. When he was scared, when he thought he was gonna lose his leg and never be able to fight fires with you again, you weren’t there to reassure him. I was the one that held him when he cried. He needed his friends by his side but none of you were there. That’s why he fought so hard to get back to work. He pushed himself too hard because he felt alone. You made him feel alone. The pulmonary embolism was a result of you abandoning him. And the worst part is, despite him almost dying again, you still couldn’t be bothered to be there for him. Bobby the only time you spoke to him was to lie to him. You had the nerve to act as though the decision to prevent him from working was out of your hands. Maybe him quitting was a little overdramatic, but it was also a cry for help that you all ignored. Instead of trying to help him, you told him to suck it up and get over it. What kind of advice is that?”  
Maddie took a steadying breath trying to compose her thoughts before continuing.  
“And if dying twice wasn’t bad enough, he ended up on the pier when a god damn tsunami hits. Despite being injured, in pain, and exhausted, he fought like hell to find Christopher and we all know he wouldn’t have stopped until he either found him or died trying. Not a single one of you spoke to him in the days following the tsunami. I mean come on! You knew he'd been through a natural disaster, he collapsed in your arms, and that still wasn't enough for you to actually care. Eddie the only time you showed up at his place was because you needed someone to watch Christopher. He needed you, all of you. He shouldn’t have had to ask, you should’ve known. And after all that you continued to lie to him, Bobby. You let him believe you were on his side, that you would fight for him but all that time you were holding him back and you were too much of a coward to tell him. Answer something for me, Captain Nash… How did you know Buck wasn’t ready?”  
Bobby kept his eyes trained on the floor, unsure whether he was supposed to answer.  
“Well? How, Bobby” Maddie asked again, her patience running thin.  
“Maddie, he wasn’t ready. Yes, I went about things the wrong way but I stand by my decision to keep him on light duty.”  
“Wow. You are unbelievable. You’d barely spent more than 10 minutes with Buck. How on earth can you tell whether or not someone is ready in 10 minutes? We both know why you really held him back. You were projecting your history, your issues onto him. He is not you. He is not your son. He’s my brother and he deserves a hell of a lot better than what you’ve given him. I’m proud of him for filing the lawsuit. He stood up for himself and clearly the LAFD agreed with what he said given how much money they offered him to settle. He could’ve been a millionaire, but he chose you instead. But you couldn’t let go of your poor damaged egos for a second and ended up pushing him further away. I don’t think you can fix this.”  
“She’s right.” A new voice echoed through the room, capturing everyone's attention. Stood in the doorway, Athena by his side, was Evan Buckley. “You can't fix this. Not yet anyway. Maybe in time things will get better but I don’t think we can ever go back to the way things were. So I’m leaving. Fletcher offered me a position somewhere else. It's temporary and in a different state, but I think its what we all need right now. I just wanted to say goodbye, I’m leaving tomorrow. I’ve changed my phone number so don’t bother trying to call me. I should be back in 6 months, but who knows.”  
“Wait… You’re leaving? Buck slow down for a second. Let’s have a mature conversation about this”  
“A mature conversation… Really, Bobby? You can say that to me? You lied to me and messed with my livelihood without even stopping to consider having a mature conversation with me. It's my life and you refused to include me in the decision. I only found out about you replacing me because I stumbled upon Lena’s name taped over my locker. No... you lost your right to a mature conversation when you let me wake up alone after I almost died because some kid wanted revenge on you. There is nothing else to be said about this. I need space to get my head right, to feel like me again... Please learn from this. I hope you treat my replacement better than you did me. Try not to screw with another firefighters career, Captain Nash”   
Without a second glance, he was gone.  
Athena turned to her husband, shaking her head in his direction before speaking to Maddie.  
“Come on Buckette. There's nothing else you can say to these dumbasses. Go spend some time with your brother before he leaves.”  
The 911 operator slammed the door behind her leaving Bobby, Chimney, Hen, and Eddie to choke on the reality of their actions. Athena didn’t let them think for too long before jumping in with her own thoughts.   
“How dare you treat that boy the way you did? For the first time in my life, I am truly at a loss for words. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Bobby, stay here tonight, don't come home.”   
It was going to be a long six months.

**Author's Note:**

> Dialogue Prompts:  
> https://homewasntbuiltinaday.tumblr.com/post/623729639915945984/dialogue-for-officer-takeover-its-all-well-and  
> https://homewasntbuiltinaday.tumblr.com/post/623649316709580800/dialogue-idea-for-officer-taking-over-the-station


End file.
